Honoring Mothers

Yesterday, as we cleaned up a post-funeral luncheon at church, I listened to two of my associates discuss the pending Mother's Day service at church. One of them said, "Well, if I hear again the one about how I'm screwing up my kids because I work, I'll get up and walk out." The other one agreed and recounted how it would inflame her whenever she heard that said at church because, as a single mother, who else was there to earn the money? I just listened because I made the deliberate choice to not work when my children were small, even though, for many years, we lived just above poverty in order to pull that off. Sometimes I even regret that I started working when I did, with the last two as teens, because I can see that my not being there at the end of the school day was not a good thing. Sigh. You can't win as a mother. So stop trying to conform to others' expectations.

I've also begun to realize that it is inevitable that your own children will grow up to be critical of you in some way. This just has to be, or they cannot ultimately separate themselves from you and go off and be independent adults. If you, the mother, cannot have failings, then they cannot be released from being children. I know how critical I was of some of my mother's ways, and I vowed to not repeat the same irritating things with my offspring. I've found that they will just choose new things to be irked over.

When I was a young woman, I felt that my mother tried to "run my life". So, I try to not tell my offspring what to do. Then I find out that one of them craves my advice, but feels it is pointless to confide concerns because I do not offer advice. Sigh. I wasn't going to hyper-manage my children's appearance. (I was visiting my mom and I realized that she was really ill, just before her death-- because in the several days I spent with her, she didn't complain about my long hair even once.) But one of my children once asked why all the many photos of them show rag-a-muffin children playing together outdoors, when our cousins' photos are all filled with them perfectly dressed and coifed. (Our dad tended to follow the kids around and capture unposed, arty moments, often at the end of a long hard play day. Most of the cousins photos were posed at some event we were too far away to go to.)

But, it's okay. I've also figured out that we each can only do the best we can at any given time in our lives. My mother was a fabulous mother. When women write about "having it all" they have NO IDEA. A farmer's wife truly Has-It-All: the milking, the gardening, the cooking, the cleaning, the diapers, the laundry, the baling, the truck driving, etc. She was a whirlwind, a multi-tasker before it was defined. She had her ideas of how things ought to be and, by golly, that is how they were done. But, thanks to her, we all learned how to work hard and take care of ourselves and anyone else we could see who needed taken care of, and still have a cheerful countenance and loyal friends. She and my dad really loved each other, and supported each other. And they yelled at each other, now and then, too.

Mother's Day is a mine field. Some years I've been really touchy about the rituals and have felt overlooked or underappreciated. Some years I have been very sensitive about my female friends, especially at church, who couldn't have children, or who've never married. But, their status does not alter the fact that motherhood is an institution worth honoring. As a mother, I realize that what counts isn't how my children act on this contrived holiday, or how anyone at church tasked with speaking on the topic presents their thoughts.

Really, I feel honored as a mother when I recognize the best qualities of my mother, channeled through me, coming out in my children. When they show no fear of hard work, value family relationships, and act in Christ-like ways then I know that my job as a mother has been done well enough and I'm just part of a long, long chain of "good" mothers, even if I still get griped about, now and then.